


Don't let me show ugliness though I know I can hate

by harryisqueen



Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Apologies, F/M, Gen, Hopper is a good dad, Hopper is alive no arguments, Mileven, Miscommunication, Misunderstandings, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Revenge, Troy sucks ASS
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-14
Updated: 2019-08-14
Packaged: 2020-08-23 16:55:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20246185
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/harryisqueen/pseuds/harryisqueen
Summary: El never knew what triggers were.That was until Troy came along, acting like a dick and brought every bad memory back.





	Don't let me show ugliness though I know I can hate

It was so easy to just let the hatred out and to just let every bad feeling she’s ever felt, every unfair circumstance, everything that had happened in the lab to just come spilling out of her in pure hatred.

She had mostly been tuning the party out as they sat in a diner eating hamburgers and fries together with Hopper and Joyce just next door at the ice cream place most likely flirting without even realizing they were doing it.

The 6 of them had spent the majority of the day at the arcade and then they went to a movie and then after the movie they were all hungry and since they had found Hopper in an exceptionally good mood when he arrived to pick them up from the movies he offered to take them all to dinner.

El was yanked from her thoughts as she heard the bell above the door of the door ring and in walked the mouth breather El instantly identified as Troye.

Despite the party not noticing the bully’s presence yet, El was staring at him.

Her eyes widened slightly as she watched him stride over to the table they were sitting at.

Her friends finally seemed to notice his presence as Troye slid in the space next to El.

El could read the looks on her friend's faces.

Yes, they looked confused, annoyed but she still saw the mild hint of fear on some of their faces, namely Will & Mike since Troye had always been the cruellest to the two of them.

“So what is the gaggle of geeks up to on this wonderful evening?” He paused for a moment before looking at El and continuing “Ah I wondered when I might see you again. I never did get your name the last time we saw each other.”

“Troye don’t.”

El heard Mike’s annoyed voice in her ear as she stared Troye down recalling their last interaction.

She had broken his arm.

“Sorry frog face I was just trying to have a nice chat with your girlfriend about a few things before I get my well-deserved revenge.”

El’s brows furrowed although her vocabulary had gotten larger there were still some words she wasn’t quite sure the definition of.

Revenge was turning out to be one of them.

Before she could blink or even think to ask Mike what this word might mean she felt Troye roughly grab her arm drag her across the restaurant then his fist landed directly on her temple.

Not even a second later she felt his fist collide again this time landing a rough blow to her cheek.

She could hear fast footsteps of the party approaching or at least some of them as she caught Dustin running out of the diner in her peripheral vision.

El could hear the party getting closer behind her.

No.

Troy couldn’t hurt them too, with a small flick of her wrist they were rooted to their spot.

With the distraction of her trying to hold them behind her, Troye managed to hit her again this time directly on the mouth.

El could see him raising his fist again to hit her again but before he could she let out a scream then lunged forward landing atop him and then began landing hit after hit to Troye’s face and stomach and pretty much anywhere she could reach.

Troy had instantly recoiled losing any confidence he might have had when he had initially started hitting her.

She didn’t get to hit Troye too much before she felt arms around her middle and she was yanked off Troye.

Immediately she could feel her fight or flight kick in at the all too familiar feeling.

Back in the lab when El wouldn’t listen to Papa his hands would encircle her waist yanking her roughly out of the test room.

She’d kick and scream to try and get him to understand she didn’t want to do these bad things.

However, it didn’t take El long to realize that acting this way angered Papa more than anything else she’d ever done.

He’d drag her by her middle down the long hall and she knew what was coming as soon as he’d carelessly throw her on the bed and moments later she felt the paddle landing harshly on her back.

She didn’t want to be hit again.

No.

So El began to kick and scream desperate to escape the grip that always meant she was to be punished very soon.

She was going to be punished again.

She had been bad by hitting Troye and she was going to be punished for doing so.

Her entire body trembled as she struggled to get out of this person grip even with her eyes squeezed shut in fear she hit, screamed & kicked desperately.

Suddenly she heard someone’s voice directly in front of her however everything felt and sounded garbled she could focus.

“El please I need you to breathe.”

Even though her panic, El could recognize the voice of Hopper.

“Come on deep breaths in and then out.”

El found herself matching his breathing as she tried to calm herself down.

Slowly but surely as she caught her breath she could finally hear things around her and eventually she mustered up the courage to open her eyes and they instantly were met with Mike’s who was standing directly in front of her crouched down slightly to match her height.

She could see the party, as well as Joyce, looking at her in concern and upon turning her head slightly she realized she was sat on Hopper’s lap.

It only took her a few short moments to put the pieces together realizing Hopper was the one to pull her off Troye and she had hurt him.

She had most likely hurt Hopper from her excessive hitting and kicking due to her desperate attempt to get out of the constricting hold.

El found herself squeezing her eyes shut once more as she began to cry.

She hadn’t meant to react so violently not only to Troye but to Hopper too.

There had been few times El had felt true gut-wrenching guilt but this was turning out to be one of those times.

The feeling of knowing she had reacted in the exact way the bad men at the lab had always reacted made her feel physically ill.

She had always promised herself that she would never act the way the bad men had acted or be violent the way they always had been towards her but she had broken this promise to herself by not only hurting Troye but in the process had hurt Hopper.

Just like the bad men & Papa had hurt her.

“El can you please open your eyes.”

El sucked in a deep breath then opened her eyes again once again seeing Mike directly in front of her.

Upon seeing that she was finally looking at him Mike spoke, “Are you alright?”

“Mike. I need to talk to Mike. Alone,” Was all El managed to get out.

El stood up and Hopper stood up soon after and looked at her with concern.

She didn’t deserve this concern.

She had reacted just like the bad men had acted in the lab.

“Are you sure?” Hop asked.

His concern made her stomach turn.

She knew she didn’t deserve it.

She could tell he didn’t want to leave her right now but she needed to talk to Mike and at least clear the air about what she had done with him and then maybe try and weasel some advice on how to go about preventing Hopper from hating her.

“Okay well once you two are done just come out to the blazer and we can talk on the way home.”

With a thick lump in her throat, she watched as everyone filed out of the diner to give her and Mike privacy most of them glancing over their shoulders briefly to ensure she was indeed okay.

As soon as El heard the door shut behind them and looked up at Mikes face laced with confusion and concern she threw her arms around his shoulders burying her tear-stained face in his collarbones.

She felt his arms immediately wrap around her waist one hand landing on her back to rub in a comforting gesture.

El pulled away long before she would have liked to but she knew she had to face the music of what she had done.

Mike was looking at her as he waited for her to explain what she needed to talk about

“Mike I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have reacted that way with Troye it was bad of me to do that to him. I overreacted and then I hurt Hop and now I don’t know what I’m going to do because I don’t know how to tell Hop how truly sorry I am,” she managed with a shaky breath.

Well, that was a start.

Mike’s brows drew together confusion gracing his features.

“El I just want to clarify and make sure you know that none of are mad at you or think you overreacted with Troye. He attacked you and although I would have liked you to not use your powers to prevent me from helping you there’s nothing to be sorry for here. As for Hopper, I’m a bit confused why you’re apologizing to him because once again you did nothing wrong here.”

“No Mike you don’t understand I was bad I hurt Troye and Hop. I hurt Hop when he was trying to help me.”

“Why do you think you hurt Hopper?” Mike questioned.

“I kicked and hit him when he was trying to help me.”

“El I don’t think Hopper’s mad about that reaction you panicked and reacted how any normal person would have when they were grabbed and weren’t sure who was grabbing them because at the time I’m sure you didn’t know Hopper was the one grabbing you.”

El huffed in frustration.

Mike wasn’t understanding why she was upset.

“Mike you don’t understand I treated Hopper like the bad men treated me, you don’t treat people who you love like that and I still did.”

El could feel herself getting worked up and upset.

Before Mike could even comment on what she had said El spoke.

“Please Mike I just need your help apologizing to him,” she paused “please Mike.”

“El please listen to me when I tell you I’m certain you did nothing to anger Hopper he’s understanding so he’ll understand why you reacted the way you did. You don’t need to apologize at all the most you need to do is explain the situation to him El. I promise you he’s not going to be angry at you. You were put in a situation that made you feel unsafe so you reacted the way anyone would if they felt unsafe. You fought back.”

El sighed through her nose.

Mike still didn’t understand.

She didn’t want Hopper to resent her for her actions like she resents the bad men for theirs.

“Listen El Hop said he wanted to talk to you so how about you talk to him on the way back to the cabin and you walkie me when you’re home and tell me how it goes.”

“I’ll do that,” El said.

“Good,” Mike said leaning in and gently kissing her on the mouth.

She gripped Mike’s hand tightly as they walked out of the diner and found the rest of the party, as well as Joyce and Hopper, almost comically lined up leaning against the side of the diner.

“Ready to go home kid?” Hopper asked.

Mike squeezed her hand in reassurance and she turned giving him a light kiss on his jaw before walking to Hopper's blazer her eyes downcast.

She watched through the window of the car as the rest of the party crawled into the back of Joyce’s station wagon and moments later Hopper was saying goodbye and then climbing into the driver’s seat of his car.

Her breathing felt uneven at the impending doom of her apology to Hop, right now all she could do was pray he forgave her.

She wouldn't be able to live with herself if he didn't.

El watched out her window as Hawkins sped by and she tried to muster up the courage to talk.

“Are you okay over there Ellie Bell.”

El was relieved when Hopper initiated the conversation but was instantly filled with the all too familiar dread.

She turned in her seat to face him remembering when Lucas had told her that apologies were always more sincere if you faced the person.

“Hop I want to tell you that I’m sorry and I understand if you don’t want to forgive me but I just need-.”

Before El could even finish the beginning of her apology she was interrupted by Hopper.

“Wait-wai before you even finish that sentence why are you apologizing to me El?”

“I treated you badly. I treated you like the bad men,” El deadpanned.

Hop glanced at her for a few short moments “What do you mean?”

“I hurt you. When you were trying to pull me off Troye. I hurt you like Papa and the bad men hurt me and even though I promised myself I would never hurt someone like they’d hurt me I still hurt you so I want you to know that if you’re mad at me or need to use a paddle on my back I understand.” El said.

“Those sick twisted bastards,” Hopper muttered under his breath.

Hopper then pulled over the car and El looked on in confusion as he unbuckled his seat belt and turned to face her.

“I need you to listen to me very carefully El. I need you to hear every word I’m saying okay?”

El merely nodded her head swallowing thickly preparing herself for his inevitable anger.

“I am not mad at you and would never be mad at you for something as trivial as fighting back while you were having a panic attack. Also please hear this very clearly, I would never hit you or use a paddle on you. What Brenner and the bad men did was sick and twisted and no one should ever use a paddle on someone’s back that’s not what normal people do. I love you which means I would never and will never hurt you and I would most definitely never take a paddle to your back.”

“But I hurt you. I love you and I hurt you, I reacted with v-.”

El was cut off for the second time in the conversation “Your reaction was perfectly normal El. You didn’t hurt me and had no intentions to hurt me even if you had. When someone suffers something traumatic like you had in the lab certain things can trigger certain reactions although it’s good to have some control over how you react to triggering situations sometimes you can’t help it and you just react instead of thinking because you have associated this trigger with something bad so you’re fighting back even if there’s nothing there to hurt you. When I grabbed you something triggered your brain to think you were in danger which is what compelled your reaction.”

“Papa used to grab me around my waist before he’d punish me.”

“See that’s why you reacted the way you did because of the way I grabbed you it reminded you of the way Brenner used to and it triggered a reaction of panic.”

El was silent as she processed everything.

Her reaction was normal because of what had happened in the lab.

Hopper wasn’t mad at her.

Oh, thank god.

El reached across the car wrapping her arms tightly around Hopper his going around her to return the hug.

Arms around her waist from the back made her panic but hugs made her feel safe.

They pulled away from each other and Hopper ruffled her hair giving her a kind smile before buckling his seat belt and pulling away from where he had pulled over.

*****

As soon as El got home she bid Hopper goodnight with a quick hug and kiss on the cheek then shut her door and immediately reached for her walkie talkie.

“Mike this is El do you copy?”

El waited a few seconds and was about to try to reach him again before his familiar voice came through the device.

“Hey, El is everything alright? How’d your talk with Hopper go?”

“Good. He told me my reaction was normal because things that have happened to me in the lab can trigger me and make me feel like I’m in danger again. When I was in the lab Papa would grab me like Hop did tonight and he’d hit my back with a paddle. Hop says what when he grabbed me tonight it reminded me of what would happen with Papa and I’d panic.”

“Oh, el. “

Mike paused taking a deep breath at yet another thing traumatic thing his girlfriend had experienced in that awful lab was revealed.

“But Hop did forgive me, well not really because he said I had nothing to be sorry for but that also means he’s not mad at me.”

“See El I told you he wouldn’t be mad,” Mike said.

El swallowed nervously as she tossed a thought around in her brain for a moment.

“Hey, Mike?”

“Mhm,” came his reply through the walkie.

“Can you try not to grab me from behind? I don’t want to react badly and end up hurting you.”

“Yes of course El and if you realize anything else might be a trigger for you make sure to tell me and the others so we can try to avoid doing it & even if something did trigger you and you reacted as you did with Hop tonight no one would be mad at you remember because reacting to certain things like that is normal.”

El could almost feel Mike’s reassurance through the walkie talkie.

“One more thing and then I’m going to go to sleep,” El said.

“Yeah?”

“Arms around me from the front are fine. Hugs are fine. They make me feel safe it’s only when it’s coming from behind that I don’t like it.” El muttered.

“Hugging you makes me feel safe too. Not that I would make you hug me if that was something that made you feel unsafe,” Mike sputtered out.

El’s mouth split into a grin.

“I love you Mike and I’ll see you when you come over after you’re done at school right?”

“Yes of course. I love you too El.”

El pushed the antenna of her walkie down and laid it beside her on her bedside table then turned over in her bed pulling the covers up to her chin.

She was so glad she had people around her who loved and understood her even when she felt like she had acted badly.

**Author's Note:**

> Thoughts?
> 
> This lowkey sucks imo but I wrote it right after s3 came out and I was STILL bawling bc of Hopper so I needed some release to paint him as still alive lmaoooo.
> 
> [My tumblr](http://www.harryisqu33n.tumblr.com)


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